My Lament

I've been hesitating whether or not I should post this for quite some time...
And here it is.
As mentioned on the title, I have a confession to make in this post.
It's personal, it's about me and it's about what my current situation is right now.
I don't usually share my feelings (especially the bad ones) with people unless they are REALLY close to me.
As much as I refuse to talk about this, I must do it now because I doubt that I will go crazy if I don't.

My college life is going to end in a few months time.
Like what I mentioned in the past few months, I've been preparing for my university entrance exams for this coming June-July.
I applied 3 and I have to go through those universities exam in order to be enroll for next year's intake.


I must admit that I'm not a smart student.
Bearing that I have ZERO interest in what I'm studying right now.
I was lucky.. Truly lucky to be one who has privilege to study aboard and experience things which I can never do in my native country.



However I'm facing some complications right now which I don't know how to cope.
Most of my friends already have their future job secured, some is in the middle of waiting for replies from companies or universities, while I'm here (and some other dudes) who is panicking about my college's mid term and universities entrance exam.

Due to the preparation of the entrance exam, I hardly concentrate in my classes or assignments.
Like what you all experienced/experiencing/mightexperiencesoon , 3rd year (a.k.a final year) for every major is difficult right?
Which come to my point where I want to tell you guys that I'm literally sandwiched in my mid-term exam and universities entrance exam.
And the worst part is there is one university which examination in a day after my mid-term. (God save me please)

Have you guys ever experienced something like this :

Yipee! I've finish revising this!

Wow, can't believe that I can solve this!

OMG I'm a genius!

====after a week====

How did I do that?

What was the equation again?

Was this solved by me?

I don't know it's just me or it's common among students but it happens to me A LOT which I'm really frustrated. Seriously, having high IQ is a gift but being forgetful a.k.a not having good memory is totally off tune. That's why I seldom do revision but intensive catchup 2 weeks before examinations. I can easily do that for my mid-term if not because of the university exam. 

To make things clearer, I have to get enroll to one of the university of my choice so that I can continue my stay in Japan. You must be wondering why don't I just apply more than 3 so that I can get higher chances to be enroll right? 

Firstly is none other than money. FYI, an entrance exam fee for one university is 30000¥ + the transportation fee for to and fro + accommodation fee in hotel. Universities are usually far from the town and exams starts as early as 9am so basically it's impossible to reach there in time if you didn't stay around 1KM from the examination venue. The furthest university of my choice is 4 hours away from me by train! So by adding up all these and multiply by 3 will give you the sum around 130000¥ which I can easily get a Prada for that. 

Note that there is no refund if you fail the examination. 

I have no idea why is an examination this costly. 

Secondly, clashing date of examination. 2 or 3 universities that you think you have potential to pass their entrance exam have their exam date on the same day. Coincidence? Not true. They are doing this so that university can save time to eliminate people who are just trying their luck.   

This entrance exam is no easy thing. 

Each university is only enrolling 5-10(maximum) for each intake and abundance of luck is needed!

Try to imagine this scenario : 

Adam is a smart student and he is going to sit for the entrance exam of W university which has got over 50 candidates who are going to take the exam but enroll only 5 students.

and

James is an average student and he is going to sit for the entrance exam of R university which has got 6 candidates who are going to take the exam but enroll 5 students.

Who do you think has higher percentage of getting enrolled?
(the ranking of university is disregard in this situation)


I have so much thing in my mind now that I'm starting to lose my smile, my life and my time.
I'm tired of people keep on telling that I look pale,  and I'm tired of trying to look OK or trying to fake a smile even when I don't feel like doing it.
I know all of this will be over is 2 months time but can you imagine the stress and decisions that I have to make for my own future? Every little missteps will lead to a bigger one.
I'm so worry that I cannot pass these 3 universities and all those I have sacrifice will somehow become a waste.
Although I hate/no interest in what I'm studying now, but I really like Japan which somehow motivate me to fight for a placement in university.
I have also think about changing environment, which is to further my studies in any European country but this seems a bit impossible as I have no idea of the industrial terms in English which I have studied in Japanese for the past few years. Unless I switch my major and start a new one.

About the study part, I have constantly do revisions for it but I'm a person who dislikes to study.
I prefer someone to explain it to me rather than reading those thick textbooks.
I'm forever poor in Mathematics. No matter how much revision is never enough for me.
Thus, I'm envious towards people who can calculate and solve questions fast and accurately.

I keep on putting myself in a bad situation, which totally oppose the teaching of The Secret/The Power and imagining things such as unable to answer questions, failing etc.
Those thoughts made me couldn't sleep well but increases my appetite, which is a bad thing because I think I tend to use food to overcome my stress.

This and that, everything make me can't think properly right now.
I want to continue writing blog, to photograph, to travel, to socialize and to explore new things.
I really hope this distressful time to end faster.
No matter what is the result, I have to prepare myself for it, be it the worst or the other way.


Thanks for reading it until the end. x